i think i am quitting this blog. i want to quit being nice to people i hate. i think i am going to quit my job. i just want to quit everything at once. sounds like fun. i'll let ya know if i decide to start something else up, only to quit it in the near future. or maybe i'll just quit something right before i start it. whatever. quitting time:)
so yesterday i mentioned that jason was at the cub's game and he went with his entire office as a "work outing." he left for the game around 11:30 am. and he returned home last night at about 12 midnight. now, i was expecting some of his usual antics, (like his rhyming or making me laugh at everything that comes out of his mouth) but THIS TAKES THE CAKE...
i text him at 10:35 p.m. with "U OK OUT THERE?" he sends me this, "OH MET TAR BEOME ARE YOU IN 10." i am like, HUH? but i am cracking the fuck up. i am still cracking up right now, because i had to look at the text to get it right (so i just figure he's trying to text with that crazy blackberry and sometimes he hits the wrong buttons, and it's been all jumbled even when sober, although it's never that bad, like when he texts me about nick and calls him "buck" because of bad texting skills. that too is hysterical) ok, so i get ready for bed, i am reading a magazine, and all of a sudden i hear him downstairs shuffling around, taking off his clothes, and shushing himself to be quiet. shhhh. shhhhhh. shhhhhh. then he makes his way upstairs in his underwear, and he is BLEEDING PROFUSELY from his forehead. no shit, like i think oh my God, he has been mugged. looks like maybe someone hit him on the head with a beer bottle. so i calmly say, "jay, are you ok? you are bleeding." he tells me yeah, he heard that he was bleeding, and yeah his head hurts a little. so i tell him to come with me to the bathroom. i get out the first aid supplies and i florence nightingale his forehead back together. it's deep, it's big and it won't stop bleeding. i have to use a shit load of hydrogen peroxide and gauze and all the while he is telling me what happened. NOW THIS IS WHERE IT GETS GOOD.... he says, "i was doing the worm (um, for those of you not cool in the 80's like my husband apparently was, the worm is a break dancing move where you lay on the floor and then somehow, you'll have to ask the master jay, hoist your body in a worm like frenzy across the room.) so he continues with, "i was doing the worm, and at the end when i got up, i hit my head on the bar, like maybe a wrought iron type bar, and then everyone said i was bleeding, so i said i have to go now." so i ask, "did they tell you to leave or did you go on your own, and why didn't someone call the paramedics, this is pretty bad?" he tells me that maybe they were going to try to help him, but he decided that it was time to go and he "houdini'd" his ass right out of there. THEN, instead of getting in a cab, decides to WALK home. from wrigley. 2.2 miles. in flip-flops. with a bleeding head. AND THEN DECIDES to RUN, cuz walking is taking too long. so he takes off his flip-flops cuz they are "not like his nike's" and he runs barefoot. bleeding. drunk. the wrong way. at midnight. he ran NORTH to irving. hi, we live like a mile SOUTH. so i am fixing his head, performing minor surgery, trying to place the skin back in line so he doesn't look like scarface, and basically trying not to laugh, i feel so bad for him, but this is all too much to take. now, i look at his feet. he has pebbles, and cuts and tar all over the bottom. i get him to somehow sit on the vanity, without falling over and wash his feet. they are black. and so gross. and he tells me the story again and again about what happened, just slower and slower each time. he looks like a car crash victim and he goes to bed.
now every morning nick comes in our roon when he wakes up, he always goes to jason's side of the bed and this morning is no different. EXCEPT...nick comes in and says, "daddy, boo boo head hurt, bumped his head, mama call doctor, no more monkeys jumpin' on bed." i am still laughing.
so like two days ago or so i told jason that i just don't like him. i told him i was unhappy and that i was just not that into him. it wasn't very serious. i was just kinda in a blah like way. the next day he sent me flowers. so now i love him again. i am crazy
he's at the cub's game today, it's so freaking hot nick and i stayed inside most of the day. we went shopping, and ran around, but no park today. we did that everyday this week anyway. i keep packing a picnic lunch, we head out to the "water park" (um, it has a big sprinkler) and then i don't feel rushed to get home in time to eat and nap. there is a fine line there. sometimes if i don't time it right, he's WAY too tired to eat and then he just falls asleep and then he's starving when he gets up in the afternoon.
went out for a very much needed girl night last night. drank 4, uh huh, 4 glasses of wine. whoops! they were super good. i was ok this morning. just a tiny headache. i ate some pills, drank a coke and was good to go...just like the old days....except then it would have been 2 bottles of wine, a massive headache, 1/2 a bottle of tylenol, and a 2 liter of coke...so maybe times have changed more than i think...and my body is very happy for the change.
why am i awake? better yet, why am i drawn to my computer, to this blog? after getting up at 4 the last two mornings in a row FOR WORK, i am surprised i can complete a sentence. i am STARVING. all i can think about is the neighbor boy's birthday cake. wonder if there is any left? think they'd mind if i just stopped in for a slice? years ago jason and i decided that we were hungry for birthday cake on like a random tuesday night....we went to the jewel and bought one. it said happy birthday on it and everything. it wasn't anywhere near either of our birthdays...we didn't care. that's how i feel now. i want some cake.
i saw all of my girlfriends' today at work. it was so fun. it took the "this job majorly blows" right out of my day. we laughed and hung out and had coffees...anyone who saw us probably thought that is what our typical day is like, just flying around, laughing and having fun......yep, i am living the dream. right.
yesterday was jason's 46th, i mean 37th (ha ha) birthday! i gave him trouble all day, it's pretty funny right now, i mean he's nearing 40...but it won't be in the next few years when i am. so i suppose i should knock it off right about now. honestly, he's never looked better, started running...seeing a shrink, eating vitamins, you know all that good shit you do when you start to realize you are not getting any younger.
anyway, we had a really great day, he took the day off. we took nick for a long bikeride to up and down the lake and then out to lunch. nick sang, "happy birthday to you" all day to anyone that was listening. last night we had anna come over to watch nick and we went to turquoise for dinner and then to see that comedy with adam sandler....chuck and larry get married (or something like that) it was funny, we laughed out loud through the entire movie.
when we got to the movies and we found our seats, i went to get the snacks and when i returned i had 2 bags of overflowing popcorn, some candy and a super size (bigger than my head) cup of orange pop, well there was a huge dude sitting next to my seat, and as i bent down to pull my seat down, i spilled like half of my popcorn on him! it was seriously funny, maybe because i was lit from the ONE jack daniels i had at dinner,(oh, by the way, i am drinking again, not much but work has caused me to have to drink again...and not only alcohol, but caffeine too.) or because i was having a hard time getting my balance cuz i was wearing super high red heels (yeah, you know i like to go to the dark ass movies looking good) whatever it was, i couldn't stop laughing. totally inappropriate, but nevertheless, funny. not sure if the big dude was laughing or not, he was wearing my super salty and buttery treat, but he was busy texting all of his friends anyway...
jason just walked out the door, he's totally stalking our neighbors. our neighbor dude was out on his porch with a friend, and we were saying goodbye to my mom (thank you very much, for all of your help this week...) so jason stopped to say hi. well, the neighbor dude's friend just so happens to be a friend of some of our really good friends'. so, they are all talking (not watching nick) and i am running into the house for my phone, in case work calls, (because everyone knows how much i love it when they call me and i have to go at a moments notice.) and they ask jason to come back later for a beer. so that's all jason can think about all through putting our son down for the night. he's having a beer, pretending to hang out with me, all the while, waiting....patiently....peering out the window....sending them texts.....listening out the window....just waiting until they come back out on the porch, so he can hang out and have a beer. dude, chill out. if you need to hang with your friends so bad, just say so. don't act so desperate.
oh, i am probably on jason's shit because he made me mad earlier. i am wearing a pair of shorts that i should not wear out in public. i really don't think that anyone who is old enough to read, should be allowed to wear clothing that has writing along the butt...you know what i am talking about, think juicy sweats...or in my case today, a pair of victoria secret shorts from their "pink" line. my shorts are like long cut-off sweats, that say PINK across the butt. i totally only usually wear them to bed or around the house, but today i was super tired, so i wore them out. i felt self conscious all day, but my mom said they looked cute. LESSON: don't ever listen to your mom about cute. mom's ALWAYS think their kid looks cute, no matter what. think about the ugliest person you know, now think about their mom. what does their mom think of their kid? ugly? doubtful. cute? uh-huh.
anyway, i am wearing the shorts with PINK on the ass. and while i am cleaning up dinner. yep, i made dinner, didn't get home until 2 a.m. and nick was up at the crack, but yep, i made dinner...so i am cleaning up dinner, and jason says, "is your butt hungry, cuz it looks like it swallowed the letter " I." ha ha ha ha ha, NOT FUNNY ASSHOLE. normally, on a regular "i got some sleep last night" day, i would have laughed at this comment. tonight? i just got mad. now i can't even stand him. he told me that he was going to chalk up my non-sense-of-humor to lack of sleep, and let me slide. let me slide?? huh? i think you just inadvertently told me i had too much to eat for dinner, and that i am a lazy bitch who needs to work out and not wear such tight pajama pants in public that have writing all over the ass. isn't that what you really wanted to say?! THEN JUST SAY IT. he says, it's my fault for the comment anyway because i am the one who taught him about people's butt's looking like they are hungry. (which, by the way...that's jessica's, she taught me that one in the airport to pass the time...)
so my feet ache. think it's cuz i never sit? seriously, i sit when possible...it's just that it's for like a nanosecond at a time. usually nick is getting into something and there is no sitting for me. when we were in california visiting my grandparents, my opa and i took nick to the park and while we were getting ready to leave, opa asked me if i wanted a lawn chair. i was like, "um, op, i don't sit at the park...." he laughed and totally didn't get it, but whatever...then we got to the park and he clearly understood. the rest of the week when we were getting ready for the park, he never even packed a chair for himself, ha!
went to the library today to check out a book on how to help me deal with nicholas and his new "attitude." so i have the name of the book and the author, but i have NO CLUE how to find this thing. i am holding nick, because when we are at the library, he thinks it's a free-for-all and he starts pulling random books off the shelves all the while laughing and saying "book" "book on floor" "mama, book, i drop it" SO, i am in an aisle, pretending to know what i am doing, looking for a book that i can't find, trying to remember how that dewey decimal system works, and wishing i would have paid attention in elementary school on "library day." whatever, and by the way, WHY do we use this dewey decimal system anyway? (random thought, do you remember the bookmobile? like i would ever let my kid into a dark trailer on wheels with some guy out on parole driving around to all the schools? and they'd only let like 4 kids in at a time...hmmmm....) anyway, back to goofy dewey. is he for real? or is that just some made up system name? here's how i think the library should work: ok, you look up online what book you want to check out, shoot them an email or order it with their "check out order form," tell them when you will be there to get the book and then call the librarian from your cell when you pull up, they have some dude named dewey run the book out to you, he has a machine (like a credit card reader) that scans your library card and the book and he prints out a receipt. dewey gives you the book, transaction final. SO EASY. i might just start my own library. AND like blockbuster, my library would have no late fees. since this utopia library doesn't exist, i had to go up to the desk, and ask the chic to help me find the book. i thought she was going to send me to a computer and make me look it up myself AND i think she would have but nick had just farted, so she wanted us out of there. she had to order the book for me, and she said she'd call me when it was in. see??? my library plan is already starting to work....
my neighbor, her kid, stephanie, and abby all came over today to have a drink. i needed it. it's been a long month and it's only the 13th.
yesterday, all i could think about was beating my son. he got mad at me, and bit me on the face. he's lucky i didn't bite him back, 'cuz i thought about it. then he poked me in the eye like 3 times, hard and right IN my eye, not next to it, not even softly, he just poked his motley little finger STRAIGHT into my pupil. i thought i was going to have to kill him. and to top it all off he did not take a nap. ugh.
(ok, jason just walked in the door, he's been out with his friends for a drink after work....and i can always tell when he's been drinking too much because he rhymes all of his sentences. it cracks me the eff up. i've called him on it before...but it's been awhile since he's been out drinking, here's what he just said..."i have to pee, flea." ha ha ha! what a dork. think he gets any digits with slick game like that?!)
anyway, i was talking about my stupid day yesterday....actually i am done talking about it. i think i would rather be entertained by my way cool husband. this is too good to pass up and it's not so often that i can laugh at him...oh, no way...now he just came in here and said, "hey, blogstress, i know you are going to be mad at me, but i am going to go outside and have a cigarette." WHAT A DUMBFUCK. yeah, i am mad. he's stupid and now i don't think he's funny anymore. now i just think he's gross. and dumb. and smelly. and stupid. and i hope he reads this so he can see how dumb he is. did i mention stupid?
ok, so now i am mad at both boys in my house. i really wish i would have married a non-smoking woman. life would be so much easier. but nick would look so much different....
